Day 87: Am I scared of change? You bet I am.

 Am I scared of change? You bet I am. I’m not sure what it is precisely; the comfort of what you know, I guess, plays a massive part in that; better the devil you know and all that. I went from working 14 years at Tesco to a period of instability, and for the first time since I was five, I was neither in education or employment.

The change to a stable base was slow and infuriating. It was then that I knew I had to start taking the writing seriously. I have travelled the country and written a lot of match reports along the way. I haven’t received any payment for them; I don’t mind so much as I know I had a lot to learn and still do.

Cricket is one of those sports that consumes you. I’m not sure why; many things make it unique, and if you take it too seriously, it gets at you, it eats away, and this thing that is supposed to be fun no longer is.

I think that is why cricket is a sport that has taken mental health seriously and has done for a while now. It is excellent that we have players that can be so open and honest about their struggles.

Few sports can exacerbate those feelings of pressure; it is a team sport where much of the emphasis is on individual performances were not just form but the correct statistics to go with it. How much pressure must someone like Dawid Malan face knowing that despite being ranked the best T20 player in the world, his place in the England team isn’t certain?

To be fair to him, I do think a lot of that is media talk. But there can be this nagging feeling that you are never good enough, even if you are bossing every aspect of your game.

Not being a particularly great cricketer, my successes have been few and all the sweeter when they have emerged. I remember going in at eleven one game with 60 runs still needed. I finished on 17 not out, and we won with three balls to spare. There was no real pressure on me that day. I could have been bowled the first ball, and we would have got to the bar quicker.

There I think, lies the most significant difference with the world-class players who these things day in day out. Ben Stokes is expected to play a Headingley type of innings every time he goes out to bat. He has trained for it; there would have been coaches that will have picked up on a big match temperament.

That isn’t to say that it can be a struggle for the best; those doubts, those moments where the world starts spinning or stops depending on who you are, can be crushing.

There can be no easy fix; if a bowler from the Third XI gets the yips, it isn’t the end of their career; they find a new role or find another way to spend their weekends.

When I felt like I was making some progress in the media role I had created for myself, that is the time I felt under the most pressure, the “hey, when am I going to get that thing?” became too great; I ran and hid. I even wept on the beach at Hove; it got that much.

I’m a shy person from a reserved family, so talking about feelings is never easy, and I know it is a healthy thing to do.

Am I scared of change? You bet I am. The thing I am scared of more is the waiting in between for things to change. This pandemic has put that into perspective. I am working in a job where I feel under more pressure than writing about cricket.

I constantly want to improve, but the doubts that I can do it hold me back; I start to procrastinate and look for easy excuses. I can and will do much better. Not because there is the pressure but as a release. I have met so many wonderful and encouraging people, and I am determined not to let any of them down. Change is scary, but it can lead to the best parts of your life, which I will do.