What kind of day has it been

“You’d think we’d get loads of famous people through here. To be honest I can’t say I’ve heard of many. We had the king through here the other the other week.”

“Really” I didn’t really know who she was talking about but I thought it was only polite, especially to someone putting makeup on your face, probably best to humour them. After all you didn’t want to look an idiot on T.V., “Stephen Fry?” I asked, after all who gives off more of an impression of royalty in the dumb?

“Yeah that’s the guy. Really charming. I’d really like Danny Dyer just once, but Mr Shakespeare won’t let him. There is never anybody good on this show. I know who you are you were on that celebrity Ready Cook weren’t you? I’d heard this before, I’ve got that sort of face people think they recognise by can’t place.

“Sorry I’ve never been on it. I’ve been on this show about a dozen times. I always ask for you.” This was yet another platitude.

“Oh you are silly we’ve never met” I had been modest and had been a regular on the show for five years and shoe had done my makeup every time. But no one remembers me. Not that I mind sometimes you want to walk down the high street without people gawping, asking if you are the bloke off the telly or just harangued with nothing but abuse that people pass off as banter.

“I was on Celebrity Mastermind maybe you saw me on that?” I didn’t expect her to have seen it she was probably always drunk by seven. It’s like you’ve got to be drunk to be interesting, maybe it’s why pub quizzes are so popular.

“That’s it! You were the one that got that question wrong, the one about Peter Andre. My friends thought you were really stupid. I mean who doesn’t like Peter Andre. He is so lovely and smart. Such a good dad.” As if she had ever met him. Know the lengths of this show was going towards dumbing down he she probably had.

No one ever remembers the winners of these celebrity shows though. Not that I’m though. Those who do know me, know me for having an opinion. It does mean that people listen though I suppose. Not that this woman would ever have the faintest idea of what I was talking about even in I explained it with diagrams. She was now wearing that expression that she was thinking about something complex on how to improve more or less the only arts show on television her manifesto would have included Neil Buchanan on every week as an expert on paintings and stuff.

“That Russell Brand he is smart isn’t he? The way that he uses all those long words as well. He know politics as well, and really funny. Such a nice man. We have him on here all the time and he always remembers my name and takes the time to get to know you. He should be mayor of London or Prime Minister or something.” So she remembers charmer Brand but not an intellectual like myself.

“You never know, stranger things have happened.” I had to cut her off before she said something about Jeremy Clarkson being just as good a choice. That was all I ever heard in pubs. Some big hairy geezers saying “don’t get me started on that climate change bollocks.” As if they have participated in years of research on the subject.

“Yeah I’d vote for him any day of the week. He is good so looking as well. I like how I get to make sure his chest hair is looking lush.”

Your job does have its upsides then? That should change the subject for a bit.

“I guess so.” She said with a glumness that suggested she was thinking of something deep and meaningful. “They probably want to ship it out to India.”

“That would be a shame.” Sometimes it’s just easier to let these comments go by, as correcting it takes too much time, time that you will never get back, but bugger it. “How would they…”

“Three minutes Matt” A voice belonging to the studio runner had come to rescue.

“Well it was nice meeting you.” I got up from my seat taking the tissue out of my shirt collar when the make-up woman stopped me.

“Missed a bit” she said pulling the chest hair I had out with what felt with the force of a tornado. It took the breath out of me and if it was for the impatient runner I would have taken a minute to gather my thoughts.

“There he is,” said a familiar voice coming from around the corner, Liz Brydon, she had been the presenter of the review show we were about to do for years. I don’t have many friends in television but if I had to choose my closest it would have to be Liz, “we thought you had got lost.”

“Nah, I was just being physically assaulted by your make-up person. So what have you got lined up for us tonight Liz?” When I usually asked this question she would go through the line-up that showed her real passion for the show, however trivial.

“Yeah she is a bit hands on but if we sacked her Brand would be on the warpath, and you know how he gets when the people are being oppressed.”

“That doesn’t sound good.” This didn’t elicit much of a response and I thought I knew why. You’re going to be talking about Andy van Gust’s new film aren’t you?”

“Look,” Liz said in a tone that was eminently defensive “it wasn’t my idea. You know it’s important and we can’t not cover it. “

“Shit, I was only joking. You know I can’t promise to be on my best behaviour.”

“THIRTY SECONDS” a voice rang out. The small whispers of the production team fell silent like soldiers on night duty.

“Good evening and welcome to Review Weekly, on tonight’s show we will discuss the new work of Graham Kindrick’s new provocative painting, we will get reaction to comments by author Janice Mangle who says all classic literature isn’t worth printing on toilet paper.

“But we start with a review of Andy van Gust’s new film. The Belgian director is no stranger to controversy. Joining ne to discuss this Matt Trangle.” I sank in my seat a little.

“Yes it’s a polemic on the way that we treat child stars in modern society and how they can’t be considered to have grown to be serious acts until they have sexually matured.”

“But to depict Tintin the buy reporter having sex with a Dutch hooker is going a bit too far, is it not?”

I knew she would start with this. You would think a friend would ease you in. I did admire her professionalism, but this film was pure filth.

“Some think it was tastefully done. I’m not one. I know Tintin is depicted as being in his late twenties, but the scene was just inappropriate to even discuss on a programme like this with a sophisticated audience.” I really wanted to lay into the film and the work of van Gust, I knew I was being baited. The new producer had wanted to bring a new audience to the show, this meant more confrontation and I didn’t want to play his games.

“Was it the fact that Snowy was involved?” Liz was really going for it. She wanted to tell the audience about the worst type of bestiality imaginable.

“It was just plainly wrong and how it got past the censors I have no idea.” I could sense what was coming next. I was going to accused of double standards.

“You’ve been a long-time advocate of for less interference from the censors.”

“Yes I have…” What I meant was those warnings before a film that say things like ‘contains scenes of a sexual nature’ or ‘contains mild peril’ ‘or contains language that may offend.’ I didn’t get a chance to say this though.

“Don’t you think that’s hypocritical of you to say that this film needs greater censorship?”

The sensible thing would have been to counter this with my reasoned argument. There is a point in all of that we all snap, and reason fails us.

“What do you say about that...” The question mark hadn’t even metaphorically left her mouth, she didn’t get to finish her sentence but had every right to finish our friendship when I rose from my chair and pushed her to the floor. There was no going back. Everyone just seem to pause. The rush of panic prompted everyone into action. The producer run onto the set and helped Liz to her feet. The production team scurried about looking busy but not catching my eye.

I realised myself from my mic and just wondered out of the studio and into the street. A thin layer of mist filled the air. The sound of cars ejecting a spray of rain from the roads whizzed by oblivious to the nature of my gloom. I had effectively ended my career, and live in front of tens of people.

The shrill shriek of drunks sounded out like seagulls scavenging for food. The full effect of the street lights were more prominent against the darkening sky. The sound of a mobile phone working its way through some obscure symphony began to get louder until I realised it was my own. I looked at it and it was my agent.

“What the fuck was that Matt?”

“Hello” I said in response. I was punch drunk and I didn’t need the lecture that was to follow. “I’ll have a pepperoni pizza with mushrooms and extra pizza.”

“Stop pissing about.” My agent was getting fed up of my antics, ever since I said the Italians were lazy every last one of them. Of course it was taken out of context, everything is. That’s why is makes such good copy in the papers.

“Where the bloody hell are you? Meet me at Victoria, you know the usual place.” Unfortunately I did, he had a small place in the country for his clients to get away from things for a few days, to get their head down and straight. Then when the press had moved on to a new victim he released you back into the public. It was my turn to go there and face the music. I just hoped no one recognised me now.

I’d seen him do this to others and they were never the same after. Some went off the rails even more and he got rid of them or they bucked their ideas up and made him a lot of money.

The Coolest Thing

A little exercise in editing

Nick climbed into the front seat and slammed the door, lifted the seatbelt ready to start the journey, only to find it stuck in the bottom of the door. The day had got off to a great start. He was already late. Janet wouldn't be happy, but neither was he. It was his weekend with the kids and he wanted to make the most of his time with them. Most weekends he took them to the zoo. It was clear however that Jemima and Dunstable were bored looking at the penguins falling over.

He knew his lateness would infuriate their mother and it would be a good hour before they would relax and speak to him. He thought about giving them drinks with a large sugar content but feared the ear bashing he would get if ever she found out.

He screeched to a halt outside a neat row of semi-detached houses. Janet had moved in with a banker from the city shortly after she left him taking everything he loved with her. He was however on time but could sense the twitching of curtains down the street. Dunstable and Jemima both got in the car with glum expressions.

"So, to the zoo then is it sir and Ma’am?" Nick said trying to inject some humour. Jemima let out a groan as if to say not again dad. "Ok then how about somewhere different?" This elicited the response he was hoping for. Dunstable started shouting out random places they could go. Jemima just wanted to go somewhere where there were horses or ponies.

The children sighed every time they went past a sign for an interesting place. When they pulled up to the battle of Bosworth visitor centre their faces lit up. There were men in suits of armour and on horses. Dunstable told Nick that is was the coolest thing ever.

After writing a story of around 300 words the next part of the exercise was to cut 100 of those words.

Nick slammed the door. He was already late. Janet wouldn't be happy. It was his weekend with the kids and he wanted to make the most of it. Most weekends he took them to the zoo. It was clear however that Jemima and Dunstable were bored looking at the penguins falling over.

He knew his lateness would infuriate their mother and it would be a good hour before they would relax.

He screeched to a halt outside of a row of semi-detached houses. Janet had moved in with a banker from the city shortly after she left him, taking everything, he loved with her. The children bot sat in the car with glum expressions.

When they pulled up at the battle of Bosworth visitor centre their faces lit up. There men in armour sat on horses.

"This is the coolest thing ever dad" said Dunstable

Book Review - Sussex On The Screen - Daryl Burchmore

This is the first book review I have written in a while. You won't see any previous attempts as I have a tendency to read something and say "that was good" or "I didn't like that". This will change and change here.

This is a difficult book to review in many regards it is more a reference book good for dipping in and out of. It offers an overview of film, tv and music videos filmed in the county of the martlets. This is interesting each town village and hamlet that has seen a film crew visit is listed and offers a glimpse into the extraordinary range of the county as a character in its own right.I don't think you would use it as a guide to planning days out but it is useful to give you a sense of actors that have visited the area like the kings, queens and lords centuries before them. 

In the best possible sense of the phrase I would say it is a good toilet book. Not in the sense it's rubbish but it is a book that you want to dip in and out of. The toilet being the room where you get a spare five minutes to sit quietly makes this book the perfect partner. That isn't to say you couldn't read it on the train in between visits to the various place mentioned. Something I may be up to doing one day.

The author Darly Burchmore can be found at Lewes Castle most days where he works. He also is a enthusisat of all thing 007 and at one time was considered to own one of the biggest collections of James Bond Memorabilia.

For those who have an interest in both film and the county of Sussex this is a book that you really can't do without. Diehard fans of Doctor Who might want to take a look as some of the old doctors visited the county in various places. You may need to be quick as at the time of posting this Amazon only have two copies left.

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sussex-Screen-Filming-County-1896-2012/dp/1780034997/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1400845618&sr=8-1&keywords=sussex+on+the+screen

I drew a map of Canada

I drew a map of Canada, I'm not sure why. I'd drawn it just above The Times crossword. It had only taken me five minutes to complete sat in a small church filled with a mix of tourists and volunteers who kept the place running during the summer months. 8 down had been Ontario this may have some influence on the fairly accurate depiction of the maple leaf country. It more had something to do with the Joni Mitchell inspired young woman who helped out in the grounds of Norman church. Her hair and dress flowed as one and I was taken in. I needed to see what her story was. She was probably a student gaining experience in conservation projects or maybe a summer job with a trusted relative helping out Auntie Val who was on the parish council. 

  I never meant it to look stalkerish although the fact I had been here every day for the last two weeks must have looked a tad suspicious. I had got to know the vicar a bit or had two short conversations with. He was an enthusiastic minister whos use of modern thinking and use of contemporary hymns were not to some of the older members of the congregation tastes. This was fair enough I guess, there is so many times you can listen to 'Lord of the Dance' before you go out of your mind. I think the vicar liked me around there weren't many around his age in the village other than commuters and family men who didn't have time to chat about important moral debates. I'd done a module at uni in theology but barely passed but he was good humoured and happy to talk without patronising or dismissing my points.

This was not enough to feel that my presence wasn't some what dubious. Sometimes I think I stared too often, this wasn't in a objectification sense of stared. Joni as I had started calling her my head was just so at ease with the world. She seemed to get on with everyone even the old crusties. We still hadn't spoken although we had passed each other a few times in the porch. I wanted to tell her that this was where medieval weddings would have taken place. But I could only muster up a week smile on each occasion she some how smiled back with a hint of genuine friendliness even though we didn't know anything about each other. This is maybe why I stuck around.

Arundel Museum

It is the duty of any museum to tell a story. It maybe about a type of pottery, industry or a history. Arundel museum does this well. It helps that is has an interesting story to tell. The castle dominates the town and as a result it's history.

This isn't to say that it concentrates on it's medieval hay day. There is interesting features on the towns decline and revival, and development during the 1970s. The different time periods are neatly laid out and you get a real sense of going through it's history.

Museums should tell you stuff that you weren't aware of such as the time Arundel was a port. It is hard to imagine these days with the size of cargo ships. The river Arun really was the life blood of the town.

There is of course space given to the earls of Arundel and the dukes of Norfolk. For someone like my self these are interesting and with the museum open all year round these people come to life outside of the castle walls.

The museum itself is situated nicely between castle and the river. It stands next to the last remains of a priory run by the Blackfriars. The museum is small much like the town that is serves. It does every you need it too and helps you go about Arundel thinking about it's past and wanting to find out more.

Museums shouldn't just be about this is the definitive story now leave me alone. This is a museum that does that and sets out Arundel as a place to explore and reflect upon which is exactly what I did next.

Lewes Castle

OIt may become a little tradition that when I make my little Sussex adventures I drop my stuff off at base in Haywards Heath and head to Lewes. This was the case Tuesday when I visited Lewes Castle. I didn't get long to look around but I had enough time to get a sense of what it was like.

Lewes Castle isn't very large, in the sense of say a Porchester or Pevensey but it's compactness is what makes it so endearing. It is not obvious walking down the street towards the castle that it is there but when you turn to see the gatehouse and look up towards the castle you know history has taken place here. The Battle of Lewes in 1264 was fought nearby.

Looking over Lewes it is one of two Motte and Bailey castles with two Mottes, the other being at Lincoln. The brother-in-law of William the Conqueror William de Werenne built the castle in 1069. The mound on which it stats was made using chalk blocks to raise it even higher about the Lewes skyline.

De Werenne was the first earl of Surrey and the castle staid part of the earls of Surrey until 1347 with the death of the 7th earl and was then passed to Richard Fitzalan who's Arundel estate was far bigger. As a result Lewes Castle went into decline. The castle was broken into during the peasants revolt and all the wine was drunken or destroyed.

In many ways it is a shame that buildings like this were allowed to go into ruin but the upkeep of such just weren't seen as worth it. Luckily we now regard these heritage sites as important. They not only shaped to way our town and cities look but also tell us something about the way the country was shaped as well.

I will hopefully be back in Lewes in May to celebrate the 750th anniversary of the battle of Lewes, and will devote a bit more time to this wonderful little county town, and maybe spend a little more time exploring this castle.

Lincoln Cathedral

I have been to Lincoln before mainly to walk around the Christmas market and not buy anything, they have been occasions with friends and family. I have even been in the cathedral to have a sit down but I had never had the opportunity to walk around and take the place in. I guess like Southwell Minster the nearness of it made it a place that I could always go and see next week if I wanted to.

You can see the cathedral for miles, it's location on top of one of the few hilly parts of the county gives it more gravitas. Which is what those that built it wanted. The Normans hadn't quite secured the country from all rebellious factions and along with the castle in Lincoln park hey made their intentions clear.

The church had a big say in the running of the country right up to the reformation it would probably be hard to differentiate between church and state. In some ways Lincoln Cathedral benefited from this. Although not during the reign of king Stephen when the cathedral was regularly under siege. 

It was after the murder of Thomas Beckett that the cathedral started to resemble totally it's current form. Damaged by fire and earthquake the cathedral had under gone much building work. With the murder of Beckett park of Henry II's penance was to build churches and monasteries and Lincoln was one of the places to benefit under it's own saintly bishop Hugh.

Saint Hugh isn't to be confused with the shrine of little Hugh in the cathedral. Lincoln had a large and thriving Jewish population during the 13th century and as is often the case the outsider is vilified. In this case a young boy is said to be the victim of ritual killing. This was pinned on the Jewish community. It is something that the cathedral has come to except is wrong and when the body was exhumed show to be totally false. There is a plaque near the shrine acknowledging the fact. Up steep hill is still some reminders of this time in the names of the buildings such as Jew Court.

I was interested to see the tomb of Katherine Swynford who was the mistress and later the third wife of John of Gaunt, they also married in the cathedral. these are an interesting couple and I will in due course write more about them.

I somehow missed the visceral tomb of Eleanor of Castile. She was the wife of Edward I. When she died in 1290 near Lincoln, her journey to London to bury her in Westminster Abbey started a cross was erected to mark each stop of her journey and ended at Caring Cross.

the cathedral is on a scale that isn't surpassed by a building of it's type in England. For a time it was the largest building in the world and the sense of awe that you feel from just standing in front of those imposing towers you can almost feel the wonder that pilgrims 800 years ago would have looked at this cathedral with.

There are so many interesting and important people that passed through the cathedral it seems a shame to condense them into such a short blog. So I will come back and talk about them in more detail. I will be coming back to Lincoln again. After all much of the castle was closed and won't open until next year.

The survival of this wonderful place is amazing, and the work in conserving it is just a astounding. I suggest if you have never been you should go, even if you have go again. maybe I will see you there.